Saturday, March 28, 2009

Naked on the Table

When we lived in the South, I decided to go to school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. Since I was working my day job, the training took place at nights and weekends for a year. A lot of the training was hands on (big smile) and a portion of the exams were required practicals. These practical’s were nerve racking because the students, around 18 of us, would set up our massage tables in a very large room without any walls or curtains so the instructors could watch how we were doing the tested procedure. The “clients” were people who signed up to get some dirt cheap time, normally an hour, on a table. This one Saturday exam was for a full body massage and my client was a no show, I was pissed because I didn’t want to have to reschedule this exam. I called home, my Wife answered and 15 minutes later she was undressed on my table with a sheet and blanket over her. Whew! I didn’t have to do a makeup.

One small note here, My Wife hates massages. She was being my guinea pig at home but after too many “ouches”, “that’s too hard”, and “I don’t like that” I stopped using her as my practice body. So you can imagine how I needed to whine plus promise her an expensive night out so she would get on my table that afternoon for the exam.

All is set now, she’s on my table on her back, nicely covered and warm and I start the massage. Scalp, face, neck, shoulders, each arm and hand, stomach (which she really really hated but endured thru it for me) and then I get to the legs which can be a tricky draping maneuver (moving the sheet/blanket to uncover the leg without seeing any surprises). Since this was a testing situation I was a little nervous so I made eye contact with R and under my breath I told her to “hold on to the top of the blanket”. She smiled and I thought all was good so I got by her right leg and began draping thinking the blanket was anchored on top. It wasn’t. As soon as I did the first draping move, the sheet and blanket slide down and when I looked up all I saw was her right breast fully exposed and R still smiling at me. H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T!!! as my jaw dropped and my eyes got as big as flying fucking saucers. I quickly moved up by her side again and pulled up the blanket and that’s when she noticed she had been uncovered. Now I don’t know what struck me funnier, seeing her boob out for all to see or the fact that she wasn’t even aware of her exposure or maybe it was both. Whatever; but that’s when my painfully controlled “I lost it” incident started.

Ever been in a situation where you know you can’t laugh loudly or laugh at all? That’s what this was and I couldn’t stop the silent laughing. My whole body shook, my face turned bright red, my ears turned purple and my eyes were crying all because I was doing everything possible to contain the sound my voice wanted to make. That pain lasted for at least the next 10 minutes and from that point on, I didn’t dare to make eye contact with my Wife for fear it would start all over again. The instructors kept me under surveillance for a while as I went back to doing now a half ass massage.

I learned proper draping very quickly after that time and I’m proud to say I never uncovered a booby again that I didn’t want uncovered!


Propane Amy said...

Oh Jude, That was cute!! What else have you done??

Solo said...

That girl really loves you, Jude! Just reading your description of containing the laughter made ME laugh so hard, I cried. Reminded me of the time my grandmother let one rip while sitting on the third pew in the middle of Sunday morning service. Everyone in the congregation heard it EXCEPT her and I almost choked cuz my Momma wouldn't let me laugh!!

shane rocket said...

utterly adorable. You two should write a book. It would be full of so much love and laughter, a sure best seller!!! Boobies and all!

Jude said...

Ames, you're gonna have to wait and see. ;)

Solo, so you sat in the pew huh? lol, now that reminds me of a Confed RR song about the same but it was Daddy that cut the big one in Horn Lake,MS Bap. church, which by the way, was right up the road from where we lived.

Shane, you're too sweet. Thank you.

Dawg said...

Hottie wants a massage!! And I'm tired of giving her one ... so ... lets barter!

lesbo said...

so funny!
i love it!

those moments when you can't laugh and are trying to hide it are usually the best laughs. because then you start laughing at the thought of what you look like whilst trying to contain yourself.. it's a vicious cycle, eh?!

Propane Amy said...

I left you an award.... go pick it up.... NOW...LOL

Monkey Outlaw said...

LMAO I can only imagine, thanking God that it was her boobie that you saw, and not a strangers, or that she had no idea and would've jumped up and beat your ass is she did! LOL, priceless.

Squirty said...

Your wife takes one for the team, and you then proceed to expose her to a room full of people!

You are lucky to be alive.

Thanks once again for a good laugh!

Dragon said...

LOL too funny. I am sure that ended up being a very expensive night out for you. ;-)

Jude said...

Dawg, Hotties' is paid for from all the laugh's I've gotten from your blog. You on the other hand.... ;)

Lesbo, yes, it's a vicious cycle for sure.

Amy, thanks again!

Monkey, she was naked under the blanket so she couldn't slap me silly.

Squirty, luckily my Wife is a good sport.

Dragon, oh yeah, it was a very expensive I'm sorry. LOL