Friday, April 17, 2009

Got Milk?

If you weren’t the Driver of the Ambulance or the shift’s Crew Chief, you rode in the back of the Ambulance all the time. All the time meant during the calls, returning from the hospitals and going to and from the voted greasy spoon lunch spot of the day.

I was in the back with another crew member, “J” and we were returning from lunch. We’re in rural Pennsylvania where you were still able to buy anything between a house on an acre of land up to a farm with tons of acreage. We were driving passed one of those farms. Actually, it was a dairy farm and the cows were out in the back pasture doing cow things; grazing, sleeping, you get the idea. It was a peaceful setting until we stopped.

The Crew Chief said “Jude you gotta see this. “

Me “whaaat” not being able to see shit from the windowless back. Then “J” grabbed the mic, flipped the switch to the P.A. system and started making moooing sounds.

Me: “J, WTF are you doing?” and thinking wow, she sounds just like a cow.

Crew Chief “Jude look, you gotta see this, quick”

So I crawled my butt up in-between the front seats so I could look out the front side window and I started to laugh in disbelief. As “J” kept mooing into the atmosphere the cows in the back acre started to slowly walk toward us.

Me: “Wow, look at that!” and the CC and Driver started to laugh. “J” kept on mooing and the next thing I saw was the slow moving cows getting a little faster on their feet until they were running. The herds of about 100 turned into a fucking stampede of cows and were coming towards us. Personally, I never saw one cow run let alone a whole herd of them and they were coming after us in the giant white and orange mooing ambulance. Did they think we were the big bull?

Me: “Holy Shit, Holy Shit, “J” stop mooing, Holy Shit; let’s get the hell out of here!” While the CC, Driver and now “J” were all losing it because of my reaction. Ya see, they’d done this many times before and I’m sure the first time they did the moo experiment they had the same reaction but now they were having fun off of me. I finally convinced them on my never ending stream of Holy Shits to get the hell out of there before the cows stampeded through the fence.

Next week there was a memo on the bulletin board from the President of the Corp saying he had received a letter from the farmer stating that a crew was tormenting his cows which in turn was affecting the cow’s milk production and that the activity was to immediately cease.

Ya think that was the last time we did that? Nope, we played this out for every Rookie that rode with us and then I carried on the Saturday tradition when I became the Crew Chief. The cows never failed us with their performance and I lost count of the number of memos that were posted about reduced milk output.

11 comments:

small town dyke said...

oh the things that happen in rural America for fun! great story.

Dar said...

LOL, ... I think the cow were just thinking you were going to feed them. Great story Jude! :)

shane rocket said...

you dork. but i am high fiving you right now!!! we have done the same thing on my ambulance days... without the stampede or regular habit of doing it. It was hilarious. guess you give some goofy people a pa system and all goes to hell!!!!

Jude said...

Thanks Small Town.

Dar, I think they were wanting to hump the ambulance...lol.

Shane, we had to come up with things to entertain us during our shifts...what can I say? Other than I'm surprised I didn't get kicked out of the Corp during the 10 years I was there, did some some probation time though...oh, well.

Newbo said...

Haha! I think i would shit myself and say my last prayers if anyone ever did that to me!

Propane Amy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THAT was awesome!! God, i would have LOVED to see the look on your face!! PRICELESS

lesbo said...

hahaha
amazing!
ooh, what we don't do in rural towns for cheap entertainment!

Monkey Outlaw said...

LMAO much much better than the cow tipping we used to do as teens!!!

Windy Days said...

My idiot Yankee ex went jogging on the levee at my grandad's hunting camp and got chased by the cows. It was priceless. If somebody had managed to escape the news that I was marrying a Yankee, they were fully informed after that!

Squirty said...

lol...does everyone have a crazy cow story?

As a kid, I spent my summers on my grandfather's farm. Are we born with a gene that compels us to eff with cows?

Dragon said...

LMAO, omg that would be too funny to watch.