Tuesday, November 24, 2009

3 Shades of Red

I've always been embarrassed to purchase tampons or pads. Even today, I will still stand three steps past the display with the shopping cart waiting for the Wife to catch up to me so she can pick up the product and toss it in the cart. Then I make sure the next few items covers the things too. I know, weird me and soon, that part of my life will finally be over. Yesterday, I found out there's something else lurking out there that is more embarrassing to buy.

I stopped at the pharmacy in the afternoon to pick up my prescription that I had dropped off earlier in the day. I waited patiently in line until a person was free. Told her my name, she went over to the side to picked out the plastic envelop, pulled out a piece of paper, looked behind her on a shelf and then asked me a couple of questions and told me to sign here.

As I was writing my signature she whipped around, picked up something from the shelf, rolled out the red carpet and turned the flood lights on the overly bright blue&white shoe box sized carton with the humungous bold letters "Bowel Prep Kit". Can we just fucking shout out to the store what I'm going to be doing soon? In the next 3 seconds my eyes popped out of my head, my face turned three shades of red and I shrunk down to three inches tall. As twenty staring eyes from the line looked on, I graciously reclaimed myself as the pharmacist assistant asked if I needed a consultation from the pharmacist. I mumbled, "no, I believe I can follow the directions that are on the box". She then flipped the carton back into her hands and spent the next never-ending 20 seconds reading the directions. At this point my thoughts were if she asks me if I need a bag I'm going to punch her lights out. She placed the kit in a plastic bag, handed it to me and I turned, held my head high and butch walked out of the store.

If there's a next time, the Wife is picking it up.

19 comments:

C said...

awwwwww bwahahaha you are SO endearing and cute. i blush buying KY. dont even ask me about toys...

c

learner said...

hahahahahahahahahahaha! thats funny. i eat lots of veggies, so sometimes i get a little... ya know... gassy. so gas-x is my embarrassing buy. and the other day i went to go purchase some, and there was one of those little food sampling stations right in front of the aisle! there was a long line of people waiting for their energy bar sample completely blocking the shelf! so there i was "oh, excuse me, excuse me" it was so embarrassing as i grabbed it off the shelf. i didnt even take time to compare prices between the cheap brand and the fancy brand. i just wanted to hurry up and get the hell outta there.

oh fun times.

Ang said...

Awwww poor Jude :(
(((hugs)))

aj said...

bahahahahahahahahahahaha!

so hilarious!

Laura Lee said...

oh, dude. I so know what you mean. I had to do a *gulp* poop sample for the VA, and geez, just DOING the thing was EW enough, then I somehow had to masquerade the (soiled) collection bowl for transport THRU the whole house before depositing it right into the trash can outside... it was quite adventuresome.

I know you are a strong, brave person. You and the Wife will get through this.

Margo said...

I CANNOT imagine you embarrased about anything.

2momswithaplan said...

I was that girl who would have to go into the store for her friends and purchase condoms. Things rarely embarrass me. I also have a sister that would jokingly ask about my rash in a crowd full of strangers in hopes to see my face turn red. It never works though... I usually have a witty come back response.

I'm sorry that moment was so embarrassing for you but I did enjoy reading about it... so thanks! ;)

lesbo said...

ha!
yesterday was quite possibly my favorite jude conversation days ever. thoroughly entertained!
bottoms up, sunshine!

jelly said...

don't you just love those moments?

lol.

keep calm and have a cupcake. :-)

CJ said...

Oh my. If it wasn't so funny, I would feel bad!!!

Windy Days said...

Like I told my brother in Select Baseball, "If you throw one in the dirt, look up at the batter like you meant to, like you're fucking with him."

Just own it. Who cares? Turn around and wink at the person in line behind you. Ask the tech for her number. Whatev, Papa.

You are endlessly cool, Shit Kit or not.

Dar said...

Oh my Gawd, I think I would have felt the same as you! Kudos that you regained your composure enough to 'butch walk' it out of the store. I quite imagine that you impressed those twenty eyes that were watching. Good for you. :)

Dragon said...

OMG Jude, I am sorry but too funny. Things usually don't bother me, toys, nope, pads, tampons, nope, could care less, that I might have been a bit unease with.

C said...

i have a lil prezzie 4 you over at my blog.

c

makingspacethejourneyout said...

Hi, I just came over from Camlin's Crooked Line, where I'm a regular. My first intro to your blog, sending love and peace your way. And may you find many friends willing to shop for embarrassing personal products for you. LOL

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Hehehehe! I'm taking my life in my hands and having a good laugh at your expense. :)

I don't think it would bother me to pick up something like that. I'm accustomed to walking through Walgreens and A asking (in a loud voice) "Did you pick up your Preparation H?" I usually reply (just as loudly) "Yeah, did you pick up that cream for your vaginal itch?" We LOVE to watch the reactions of the people around us and what the hell, they don't know me. Might as well have some fun with it-everybody poops. ;)

thissideofchanged said...

Jude -

Trust in the voice of experience when I say to you that I so EXACTLY know how you felt at that moment.

;-)

~jolie

C said...

hey mrs. jude... i hope you are watching over the wife's blog whilst she is laid up so to speak... lol. hope you are holding up well, my dear... if you guys lived in omaha and i didnt have a gimpy arm, i would proudly consider it a privalage to take of the jude as thats what i do. i would pamper you both...
give her a hug for me and diane... and we are sending wonderful energies her way.

[oops, or is it just gas... sorry...]


c

Sandy said...

Jude,you are so comical.Next time you should slip the clerk a note that reads you are deaf and mute so just to write you a note back.