Thursday, November 5, 2009

You Want Me to Do What??

Peeing in a little plastic cup is just not right.

After the Lab Tech (not the cute Dyke one either) finished labeling the yellow screw top clear plastic cup, she handed it to me with a snickering smile on her face and told me she needed a urine sample. I returned her smile with my "you are a sadistic bitch" smile, turned and headed into the bathroom.

I've relieved myself in all sorts of places and conditions...behind bushes, trees, rocks, I even left my mark in a Brazilian rain forest. I've used Lucky Lady (another story to tell) in row boats, canoes and kayaks. I've used the standing, WTF is this hole in the ground, in 3rd world countries. And there were many times on the long commute home I would park the Jeep at just the right angle off of Rt.80 and use the door as my privacy wall. I thought I was a pee pro, until yesterday when I had to pee into a 2 inch wide cup.

Ok, so in the BATroom I unscrewed the top and got the tiny container in the proper? place and well, I couldn't go. Tried again, yea something but wait, I'm hearing it fall into the toilet water? WTF? stop everything! Checked the cup, nothing. Sigh. Repositioned, tried again, ok going and oh crap! my fingers are getting wet! This sucks! But I did finally get something into the fucking little cup. I screwed on the lid, cleaned up the outside of the cup and my hands and I deposited it in the little secret hiding place and OMG there's somebody else's cup with bright orange pee, get me the FUCK out of here! It just wasn't right.

If there's a next time, I'm going to punch the snickering smiling bitch, take the cup, go outside and find a tree or rock. I'll probably do a lot better.


CJ said...

The last time I had to pee in a cup was for a job I applied for. I didn't get to put it in the secret little place...I had to HAND it to her and it was, know...that time of the month? Yeah. It was red. Not orange. Red. Talk about embarrassing. I got the job, though!

Dawg said...


Pee bitch pee!

two cat scene said...

Oh, I've peed in many a cup, and like CJ (um, ok, where do you work where they give you a urine test!?)have had times where there was no place to go but back to the desk and get in line with that little cup full o' apple juice. For next time, Jude, go back to an old episode of the L Word where Tina is taking a pregnancy test and Alice asks her where to aim. Don't ask me why I remember this, I have a memory for odd things, some of them useful.

Ang said...

I don't know what's funnier this post or dawgs comment.
I hate peeing in a cup too.

vixen kitten said...

It was nice to clean the outside of the cup for her. I might have handed it back all wet if I was in a snarky kinda mood.


Jude said...

Vixen, I knew the cute dyke was going to be picking it up not the other bitch. ;D

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Hehehehe! I know for a fact the asses love the fact that you're gonna pee all over your hand.

Now, I want to see it when you have your butt up against a tree in front of the doctor office/hospital peeing in a cup. That's a moment worth preserving in pictures!

C said...

bwahahaha... at least you aren't a guy having to hand over a sperm sample... YUK. ya KNOW what they have to do and then hand it over face to face to the smiling baracuda who smirks at him cuz she knows he just wacked off! bwahahahaha isnt life sexy, though... hope your physical comes out healthy and normal..

lesbo said...

ha! it's always such a fun adventure!
amy has a great story about this sort of thing, too.

Sandy said...

I always wet my hand too.Infact I can not pee into a urinal without messing up.Then they have the nerve to ask you to get a clean catch.Guess that means washing my hands before I try peeing into that small cup.LOL.

tommy said...

I never manage to pee in the cup, especially on command. I agree with the unnatural part of it. I'll pop a squat in the country any day and to be honest I think Id rather wipe my cooter with poison ivy than have to pee in lil plastic cups on the regular. Glad you survived. :)

Jude said...

LMFAO....Tommy said cooter.