Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Surgery Shorts

I confess, I googled G Spot to make sure I still had one. :D

My lower abdomen doesn't feel empty.

Trapped air hurts.

Remember the bowel prep kit? Let me tell you a better name for that "Exploding Rancid Shit kit" and for 45 bucks it should come with two rolls of TP, a warning that states "no matter what flavor you choose it's still going to taste nasty" and a guarantee that "you'll be doing the turkey trots by the end of the day."

It's ok to show your colors as you walk your pee bag down the hospital corridor.

There are true to life Nurse Bettys, mine was a Nurse Bob.

I don't know what narcotic was getting pushed through me but it took away the pain in 10 seconds flat and it made my ears dance together in the center of my head.

Passing gas uses many abdominal muscles.

Liquid diets suck and I can't believe I ate all of the hot turkey custard on Thanksgiving.

Jello still rules for tender throats.

Every time I got disconnected from something I knew I was getting closer to going home.

My Doc rocks big time. He pushed me into the OR.

OR tables look too much like execution tables.

I had the best Nurses. They were always there for me when I needed them.

My Honey was there by my side.

I cried only one time.

Now more than ever, I'm a believer of the power of human energy.

They still come in and wake you up to take vitals.

My doc said 1 to 2 nights. I said 1 night. I won.

The Wife flushed my proof. TG Nurse Bob took my word.

Nurse Bob set me up with my last cocktail. Good thing too. Even the flat road was bumpy. I almost cried the second time.

Warmed blankets rock.

The OR has the AC set on freezing.

I was out of bed and walking 2o hours after major surgery. I'm still waiting to see when I'll start running.

When I got home I found a surprise under my left boob, EKG tag.

Instead of stitches or staples they glued me shut. How cool is that.

24 comments:

blueyesncali said...

ok . . i just busted out laughing at the "Exploding Rancid Shit kit" . .been there, done that (colonoscopy) and I know it ain't fun!!! Glad you are home, happy and farting away.. you go girl!!!

lesbo said...

haa!
this is my favorite post. it's filled with so many fun facts.
my personal fave being the g-spot one. hey, it's a legit concern.
and who doesn't love under-the-boob surprises?

keep the healing going!

xo.

my word verification is "reary" LOL

vixen kitten said...

Damn, Sunshine, I don't know as much about my own poop as I do your's now!

Reason I don't know is because girly girls don't do that. EVER! The angels come and evacuate us over night! *snort*

I loved this post. You always put a smile on my face. :)

*hugs* to you and the wife.

xoxo
~vk~

Ang said...

Awesome post....(((hugs))) I hope you are healing well.

LilliGirl said...

Yay for it all...except the nasty poop.

Get some simethicone aka Gas-X and that will help all the bubbles.

I'm glad all went well and you're doing fine. I'm sure you'll be running in no time. Well, 6-8 weeks.

Camlin said...

Exploding, rancid shit - that pretty much sums it up.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

The hospital is one of the few areas on this earth you get rewarded for farting. :)

OR tables DO look like execution tables...BUT, you're lucky you don't know what you look like when you're prepped and ready to go...A has seen some VERY interesting positions during her OR and PACU rotations.

Yes, OR suites are set to 10 below zero.

Too bad you don't get to hear the conversations of your surgical team.

small town dyke said...

so glad your doing better.

shane rocket said...

bet they wanted to glue your mouth shut.....


love ya!

Jude said...

Rocket, where's your jacket?

aj said...

hahaha

sooo amazing

love the attitude Jude

good for you

and I hope the pain meds keep up the good work!

aneke said...

They GLUED you shut? Awesome!

Love this post :)

Get better :)

Dar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dar said...

You know, I think you have a talent for this writing thing. You painted quite the picture for me with those impressions. ... I hope the glue holds.

C said...

i am very happy to hear you still have your g-spot. i think they charge extra when they take that out! bwahaahhhhaaa

c

CJ said...

Good thing you still have your G spot! THAT isn't something you want removed!

DTB said...

I'm going to go with the Too Much Information on this one. Which I guess is very appropriate at the moment because the Honest Scrap award has been sent your way, check out my blog for the details.

Laura Lee said...

And YOU rock, Jude. Makin' it through.
This post contains equal parts LMAO and grimacing 'Ew's. But the surprise under the boob knocked me off my chair.

And this is why you will champion this thing. Your badass self.

CJ said...

Yeah! Jude is home and sounding absolutely awesome! Wonderful post Jude and so glad to see you up and blogging!

~seelenschmerz~ said...

happy you're home and recuperating....aren't wives such a joy to help take care of us?? LOL....guess i'll be having my own wifey in a few months too!

i'm happy to hear your doing better and i continue to LOVE your blogs...a source of pure joyous reading!

hugs to both of you!

:-)

Real Live Lesbian said...

So good to hear that it went so well. There are some amazing nurses in this world...and warmed blankets are the shiz!

Keeping you in my thoughts!!!!

CrackerLilo said...

I'm glad you're recovering and haven't lost your sense of humor! Online *hugs* won't hurt you.

I laughed at your Googling about your G-spot! Priorities, priorities!

C said...

thanks for the comments over at my blog. yeah i agree wiff ya, they accuse US of ruining the sanctuary of marriage yet heteros take no responsibility for doing it.
bastards.
hope you r feeling great!
i have surgery thurs for my arm. did you get the patho report back yet?

c

Dragon said...

So glad you are doing better Jude! Yes the energy from people is amazing! Hope the healing continues to go well.

Gotta love the boob surprises and yes g-spot is a definate necessity